Saturday, September 29, 2007

No Newt is Good News

In what was possibly the shortest potential presidential run in modern memory, Newt Gingrich has withdrawn from the Republican horserace.

"What?" You might be saying at this shocking news. "Newt is out?"

Yes, children. Newt is out.

"But when did he get in?" you just exclaimed.

To which I answer, in my most deadpan delivery..."Thursday."

It was just Thursday that the Newt told supporters that if they would pledge at least $30 million to his campaign over the three-week period starting Monday and ending Oct. 21, he would run for the Republican nomination. For months he had hinted that he would run if no one else appeared able to take on the Democrats in 2008. (Talk about your grandiose affect!)

Being the Pander-Bear that he is, he announced his intent to think about considering the possibility of maybe in the future forming an exploratory committee to test the waters for possibly launching a presidential run on the anniversary of the rollout of the Contract On America Contract with America. He even came up with a schmaltzy, pandering event so there would be a name for his announcement, such as it was...

Ready to wretch involuntarily?

Here it comes...

Solutions Day.

Solutions Day!

Can you stand it??? Can you even fucking stand it???

It was pure political theater, but Carrie had a better run on Broadway.

By noon Saturday the Republican's quintessential reptile had scampered on out of the race. He would have had to resign from the helm of his tax-exempt "political organization."

"Newt is not running," spokesman Rick Tyler said. "It is legally impermissible for him to continue on as chairman of American Solutions (for Winning the Future) and to explore a campaign for president."

Gingrich decided "to continue on raising the challenges America faces and finding solutions to those challenges" as the group's chairman, Tyler said, "rather than pursuing the presidency."


Cash those checks, Newt. It's all about priorities, after all. And really...did anyone have any doubt at all where the Newt's priorities really lie?

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