No, We Don't Need Hummers

UPDATE: The link takes you to a column by Matthew DeBord at the WashingtonPost.com. If you have trouble with it, I apologize profusely and promise to do whatever it takes to rectify the problem.

You know, if you're going to do a (satirical? No, too earnest) ode to a vehicle that might disappear, you do it to an actual vehicle that is worth driving. And the Hummer isn't that vehicle. Let it go. Let it die. The commercial version is worthless and the HUMVEE used by our troops has been an awful vehicle. Too many went to war without the right armor and too many troops have been injured or killed in what I, personally feel is an underpowered lemon not worth driving anywhere but to the junkyard.

When General Motors announced that it would subject its Hummer division to what in the automotive business is known as a "review," you could hear the tree huggers, the unreconstructed hippies, the postmodern Greens, Al Gore's organic peanut gallery, every single customer at the Pasadena Whole Foods and the United Prius Owners of America shove aside their alfalfa sprouts and commence clapping.

No set of wheels since the hapless Edsel has been as persistently reviled as the Hummer. Just recall the Hummer damaged by masked eco-vigilantes in the District last year.

GM probably didn't see that coming when it purchased Hummer as a brand name from AM General Corp. in 1999. AM General developed the Hummer in the late 1970s as the High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle, for tactical military applications. On the battlefield, it has enjoyed a successful 20-year run, despite issues regarding armor that have emerged during its service in Iraq. The civilian version that AM General builds for GM is another story.

Still, it would be a mistake for GM, assisted by the raving grease-monkey CPAs of Citibank, to sell the brand to an upstart carmaker in India or China or to breed it as a hybrid, as some have suggested. GM desperately needs an obnoxious, attention-grabbing brand to keep from turning into a dreary shadow of its former self. And America needs the Hummer to remind us of what has always made our automobiles stand out, from the tailfin 1950s to the muscle car 1960s and '70s: swagger. Americans don't just drive their cars -- they proclaim something about themselves by driving them.

He goes on to say that there's something manly about driving and owning a Hummer. Well, if you're an idiot, sure. If you're insecure about your penis size, all the better. I know some people just love slapping that "sorry about your penis" decal on Hummers. But unless you've driven something that can actually go off road or something that resembles a vehicle with a working suspension, I don't know why there is this fascination for the box on wheels with the overly-high profile. It's not a toy--it's actually an awful vehicle to try to drive and ride around in.

I guess I spent too much time riding in them--that probably explains my bias. The ambulance version of the HUMVEE was, and always will be, something I will revile all of my life.

If you gave me one of these things, I wouldn't take it from you. I wouldn't.

--WS

Nah, I think you better speed up a little...

Sometimes, common sense has to come into play, right?

Experts say motorists can save money on gas by slowing down, but, as one Maryland man found out, that may not always be a good idea.

Glenn Conrad said his Honda hybrid usually gets about 70 miles per gallon, but he feels great if he can get 80 miles per gallon or more.

Conrad admitted he is what's known as a "hyper-miler," someone who stretches his or her car's miles per gallon by altering his or her driving habits.

On June 12, Conrad was "hyper-miling" on Interstate 95 on his way to Baltimore/Washington International Airport. He said his car would roll down hills at up to 65 mph, and he would tap the gas until it reached 55 mph going uphill or 50 mph just puttering down the road.

Conrad said he was surprised when a Maryland State Police trooper pulled him over.

The trooper asked Conrad why he was driving 50 mph. Conrad said he was saving gas.

The trooper, however, was more concerned with motorist safety and issued Conrad a warning for driving 15 mph under the posted speed limit.

"Speed limits aren't just put there just because the state decides what they want," said Maryland State Police Sgt. Chris Davala. "It's because of fuel conservation and the safety of the other motorists and the motorists around you on the highways."

AAA officials agreed that driving too slow can be a hazard.

"The optimum speed for saving gas is probably 55 or a little above that right now, so the thought that you're saving more gas by driving 50 or 45 on high-speed roads isn't accurate, and it's very, very dangerous," said AAA Mid-Atlantic spokesman Lon Anderson.

Conrad said he won't go 50 mph on the I-95 again -- he'll drive 51 mph.

Well, Mr. Conrad--it's your right to be a shithead. But instead of thinking about yourself or about what little money you can save by endangering others by driving too slow on a major traffic artery--maybe you should just take the side streets.

I'm all for slowing down and saving gas--but common sense has to kick in at some point and you have to realize that someone driving too slow on a freeway like the I-95 is going to get someone killed. I drive on the I-95 virtually every day, and the flow of traffic is a natural 70 to 80 miles an hour, across four lanes or more, if not faster. Not great for saving gas, but with hundreds of thousands of vehicles going that fast, you have to realize--all it takes is one idiot and everyone's going to be sitting in a parked car, idling and burning gas, and that'll be the end of those savings.

It'll also be the end of Mr. Conrad's Prius, too.