Friday, July 18, 2008

Have I Got a Solution For You, General

When problems arise, I'd like to think I can do my part to solve them. Instead of bitchy snark or righteous indignation, I'm giving out answers and advice with this one:
The Air Force's top leadership sought for three years to spend counterterrorism funds on "comfort capsules" to be installed on military planes that ferry senior officers and civilian leaders around the world, with at least four top generals involved in design details such as the color of the capsules' carpet and leather chairs, according to internal e-mails and budget documents.

Production of the first capsule -- consisting of two sealed rooms that can fit into the fuselage of a large military aircraft -- has already begun.

Air Force officials say the government needs the new capsules to ensure that leaders can talk, work and rest comfortably in the air. But the top brass's preoccupation with creating new luxury in wartime has alienated lower-ranking Air Force officers familiar with the effort, as well as congressional staff members and a nonprofit group that calls the program a waste of money.

Air Force documents spell out how each of the capsules is to be "aesthetically pleasing and furnished to reflect the rank of the senior leaders using the capsule," with beds, a couch, a table, a 37-inch flat-screen monitor with stereo speakers, and a full-length mirror.

Sounds reasonable, if you're a megalomanical, self-important and self-centered asshole.

But enough of my opinionating, preachifying, ponderous pontificationating and all that. I'm going to solve the problem right now. And I'm going to save the government a ton of money while stimulating the economy AND protecting the environment. There's a loaf of bread in it for you, if you're so inclined.

I even have a catchy title. I call it the Six Gallon Bucket of Freedom.

This particular bucket comes full of wheat, general. Bake yourself some bread with it and you'll have plenty to eat when you're riding around on the government's dime. Empty it out and there's plenty of uses for it. Fill it with golf balls! Take a crap in it if you need to--remove the golf balls first. You can sit on it, you can carry it, and if you need to, you can even drop it out of the plane and hit a terrorist on the head with it. Thirty bucks, general! That's a savings we can all appreciate.

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