Monday, March 17, 2008

Heckuva Job, Bernancke--Time to Distract Everyone!

When he has to say this:
BREAKING NEWS: Bush says administration is 'on top of the situation' in dealing with the economy

It really means this:

BREAKING NEWS: Sales of medieval weapons and texts on casting out evil spirits soar; barter system approved by temporary Congress; millions of rioting people smited with powerful laser weapons whose existence not previously disclosed.

Soon--very soon--either a whole lot of people will lose their jobs or there will be pronouncements of "I serve at the pleasure of the President" crowding out the bad news.

And isn't it time for someone blonde and beautiful to come along and distract us from all of this icky bad news? Isn't it time for people to start distracting us from the bad news?

You know, whoever advised Heather Mills in her divorce from Paul McCartney could probably do a better job--she asked for a hundred million, was offered fifty million, and now only gets 48.6 million. If we had that kind of crackerjack leadership in this country, we'd only be moderately screwed blue and left by the side of the road.

Nah, I think we're gonna need more distraction than that. For example, instead of paying attention to current events, your typical conservative blogger goes for the cheap stuff to fill up space. Case in point--Ace of Spades gets his love on:

Coffee, Tea, or Me?
Ace of Spades Lifestyle (TM), aerial division.

A 21-year-old Harris County woman filed a $200,000 lawsuit against American Airlines alleging employees on a flight to Los Angeles from Dallas/Fort Worth Airport failed to protect her while she slept from another passenger who masturbated to her and ejaculated in her hair, according to a lawsuit she filed last week in Tarrant County.

Destined for a Spring Break visit with family and friends March 19, the woman flew from Houston to DFW Airport and had settled into her seat for the last leg of flight 2074 to Los Angeles about 11 p.m., the suit states. The woman slept most of the flight, but awoke about 20 minutes before landing when the pilot announced the plane was on decent into Los Angeles. When the woman opened her eyes, she saw that an unknown man had moved into the seat next to her and was staring at her as he masturbated, the suit states.

The woman turned toward the window in embarrassment and in an act of nervousness began to run her fingers through her hair where she noticed “a substantial amount of an extremely sticky substance in her hair,” the suit states.

The man was arrested.

Squares. In Europe they don't have these childish American hang-ups about assaulting someone with flying genetic material. When I was in France, for example, I sat next to a pleasant grandmother sleeping on a train. Cute as a button; must have been ninety five years young.

Anyhoo, I left more DNA on her than OJ left at Rockingham, and she just stirred a little and said "Touche."

Hey, if you're gonna go classy and try to distract yourself from these matters, you gotta stick with Ace. Any man who can make a joke about sexually assaulting old women has to be the cream of the crop when it comes to conservative thought. And by cream, I do mean, cream.

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